I never thought about it. Not even entertained the possibility, for a second.
It happened, like a grueling nightmare that just kept going.
Going, floating over the reluctant consciousness that kept trying to peel away and reestablish normalcy.
It was to happen. Quelling justice, will. Life.
Like the paperback cliche, guilt crept in, inciting the possibilities that could have been if...
When hope fails, shock takes over. Then anger.
But what is to be, will be. It comes down to this, when possibilities have been narrowed down, selected, spent.
I will always miss her. The bright orange buttons, writing pages full of letter i, my first years.
As the tumultuous year finally came to rest, I found myself sitting by calm sea thinking.
It'll be better next time. This I say, brimming with hope. All I can offer.

What a start.
2009 dragged lazily in with a combination of:
Pinã coladas under brilliant blue skies
Jeanette Winterson's good new book *The Stone Gods*
More macaron than I could eat (rare indeed, and with thanks to the lovely cousin!)
Floating lanterns laden with wishes
Hesitant snow
Food poisoning
Cream-covered sponge cake with perfectly formed strawberries
And fireworks! Lots too.

Turning 30.
Some say it's the beginning of the end - cellulite, uncontrollable weight gain, peculiar habits, extreme intolerance to wedding jokes.
I've eased into it. In fact, all of 29 was about getting ready for 30. The cellulite came, the urge to quit smoking, the extreme anal-retentive nature.
So I'm going to embrace it. Mid-life insecurities and all.