Sustained sleeplessness set against the soundtrack to In the Mood for Love.
There is something about strings and harmonics.
There is something about the poignancy of a good love story.
~
I mortgaged my heart for a lifetime of hope.
I gave up hope but my heart returned, depreciated.
~
The calm after a storm. The floods after rain. The humid spells that ominously lead up to rain.
When did it happen,
I don't remember.
You stole my heart
Sometime between Sunday and Sunday.
~

The other night I dreamt we were shopping on Chapel Street, Windsor end.
We walked into a shop;
It was bright, with white walls, bamboo parquetry, and splashes of sunlight and red.
I tried on a cornflower blue dress, with a Givenchy-esque neckline.
It had a raw silk feel, it was not my style, really.
But it looked and felt great on,
Like one of those black tops that you try on and know immediately that you just have to buy it.
He tried on a white shirt.
Suddenly there was a photographer and bright lights.
A lot of shuffling around, trying on clothes.
And then we shouted an animated goodbye and walked out.
It reminded me of the time I had a dream about shopping in opp shops.
The entire dream I was rumaging through racks of candy-coloured, primary-coloured, kitsch, twee, J-pop, retro printed items.
And strangely, all the shops were on the basement level.
Somehow I didn't find anything I liked.
~
The pendulum swings
Gravitating towards goodness.
Waking up to the sun peeking through gaps, skin and hair smelling like ylang ylang.
Laughing again, despite illness, sleep deprivation, restlessness, rain.
~
And all she ever wanted was to be a special one.
The one who wore a poppy red coat
Amongst the sea of forgettable wintery blacks.
That she made a tiny imprint, etching a memory that would linger.
~

There is never enough storage space.
Ikea boxes, trunks, racks, and shelves aside,
I still struggle to find room for new hobbies, old bedside lamps, and hair accessories.
Instead, these things are strewn all over my room. It doesn't even feel like my room.
Five months in the apartment, and I still haven't hung up the clock or changed the curtains like I said I would.
Oh well. Too late now.
~
I've been coughing so much and so hard
That my head hurts.
I've been listening so hard for so long
That my lips have sealed themselves.
~
Compassion is the sexiest quality in a person.
Forget confidence, veiny forearms, humour, and Paul Smith shirts. (Erm... ok, these are yummy too)
We're talking patting strays, helping moms with strollers on escalators (in some cultures this is normal behaviour; in Singapore, it's a rare treat), feeling real empathy for your mate who has just been dumped (instead of shoving a beer in his face and making a joke about his puppy-dog disposition to the boys).
These things may seem like such pedestrian actions, but you'll be surprised how few people extend basic human decency beyond self-beneficial lines.
~
It's Friday and guess what there is to do tonight...
Damn straight. I've waited one whole month.
~

I'm now a frequent visitor at my local GP.
So much so that he comes out of his consultation room to greet me.
I tell him I need a Hepatitis booster and perhaps a flu vaccine.
He tells me we can consider it next time.
In our previous 5-minute exchange he told me I looked worn out.
Tonight he said 'You need rest. What's going on here?'.
~
Words are tricky little bastards.
One word, multiple loadings. The true intention often found amongst land mines.
It's not what you say. It's how you say what you say.
~
I'm finding peace with many things.
The decisions and consequent actions that have taken me here
Are no longer issues I choose to grapple with.
I can't tell you if it's the zen way,
Or plain apathy.
~
Some tunes never fail to turn my insides out.
Lamb's *Gabriel* is one of them.
Another is Portishead's *Roads*.
~
A couple of weeks ago the creative director at my agency told me that I'm the 'most dangerous' female in the office. It wasn't tongue-in-cheek. There was no humour in it at all.
So today I finally asked. He gave me a list of adjectives and analogies.
"Mysterious. Fear of the unknown. The beautiful flower that lures you closer but will swallow you whole before you realise what hit you. Depth. Like the colourful corals that live in deep waters. Nothing shallow here."
Gee. I'm not sure what to make of it. But it comes close to the most memorable E-description to date (compliments of the system administrator at an old workplace, after too many Asahis one night, at Robot): Intimidating, high maintenance, unapproachable bitch.
~

When did the moment pass?
~
Today I feel like going to sleep for a long long time.
There are so many things I should do,
But I'm so tired.
Reluctant to lift another spirit, right another wrong,
Revolt against another guilt assault, only to surrender again.
I've felt like I've been in a three-legged race where
Someone's tied a sandbag to my free ankle.
Keep going, finish the race, even if you lose.

~
Ready, get set.
It was over before it even started properly.
~
I've been sitting in front of the computer trying to write.
For days words have avoided me,
Like a dormant volcano they've been simmering inside, unnoticed.
~
You ask what it is I want.
~
Sometimes you have to take a break just so
You know when to quit.
And sometimes you have to quit
Before you realise what it is you want.
~
I have no answers for you now,
But maybe later.
~

I just don't get it.

Drunk. Seven too many beers. The last time I counted at about 11pm.
What was an industry night turned out to be an excuse for french men to behave like savage beasts
And hit on the 18 year-old students.
Sure it happens all the time.
And sure it's up to the girls to sleep their way into the world.
But it made me sick.
Because no matter how much I wanted that Marni
I couldn't play coy.
When hands went under blouses
I decided it was time to go.
I may not have made it,
But I'm certainly no fresh-faced intern.
No apologies there.

When was the last time I saw the sun set?
I remember when we used to live in the old flat,
I'd look out of the 17th floor window
And marvel at the raw pink explosions that would
Blend into camel and teal like a brilliant chromatographic display.
And before I could catch it
Turn into a homogenous shade of admiral blue.
Dusk
*
I had my first isight experience last night.
I'd bought it to tackle geography and
In all desperation believed it'd be enough.
Last night the best friend and I traded breakup stories, hair updates, brooch designs and website plans
Like giggly teenage girls again.
It made me feel like things were better already;
I woke up happy today.
*

I realise the problem.
I'd buried my heart
And forgotten where.
Sometime ago I must have thought it was the safest place for the heart to be;
Hidden under dirt and general insignificance.
I left it there, thinking that someone perfect would come along and uncover it,
Grant it light and make it swell with life again.
I must have left it there for a while,
Because I don't know the way back to it now.
*
You can't move on if you keep looking back.
I keep peering behind my shoulders;
Do you, too?
*

Tonight my bedtime wish is that you are happy.
Because it kills me everytime I hear that you're at your wit's ends,
So trapped, trying so hard to push your way through that brick wall.
When I hear that waver in your voice
On the rare ocassions that you submit to the sheer intensity of it all.
I wish I could make it better, I really do.

Last night I braved one of my top-10 new-singlehood terrors.
I went to Ikea. Alone.
I was determined to remain focused in my objective: to buy a hat/clothes stand.
But how could anyone avoid the temptation of a dotty mouse pad and shower curtains, scented candles and hot pink kids' stools?
I put on the Girlie Melancholia playlist, and weaved through young couples shopping for home storage solutions and $0.99 plates.
I survived it. Despite running into an old friend who curiously eyed the 2m radius around me (for sight of any company, I'm assuming), and warned that I am 'starting to look worn'. Fab.
*
She wishes that she could make it better for you.
To take that weight off your shoulders and mind;
Let you put your feet up on the ottoman; enjoy the wine and cheese.
*
Weekends with little nephew and cuddles is great for the spirits.
You wouldn't believe it if I told you.
*