I haven't had a full cigarette in 8 days.
8 days ago I decided to put an end to a 10-year habit.
Lapsing into my 4th flu in 2 months,
I made up my mind to give up the dead-sticks.
Not entirely. Surely an ocassional drag over a coffee or martini is fine.
Of late I'd found that my body was rejecting the very filth it used to crave for:
I began to loathe cigarettes on the dance-floor, gave up pre-work fags, and developed a sore throat the morning after a big night.
And so in a drive to better my (pathetic) life, I decided to quit. Cigarette first, and the rest will follow.

It's hard. There. I said it.
I'm guilty of pride. Amongst other things.
**
When the days keep coming and people
Go on as they always do;
When all things remain constant
But it's taking just that little bit longer to
Get up to where you were yesterday.
**
What's wrong? You ask.
What's right? I reply.
**
Last week I cried every night.
I'd climb up the stairs, switch on the light
And sit down for a breather.The tears would come.
Of panic, fear, reluctance, helplessness.
**
When you're below the flatline of normality
It's twice as hard to maintain the usual high because
You first have to struggle to reach the surface then
Lug yourself up to a decent level again.
Twice the effort. Twice the resilience.
**
I sometimes get so tired of homogeneity.
Sporadic volatility is much more my style.
**
When you realise the world keeps going
About its routine and
You're just another unhappy needle in a cornfield.
When things finally catch up with you, or
Perhaps you finally catch up with things.
**

Last night I had 4 times the recommended dose of cough syrup.
I dreamt I was drifting like a nymph in the sea.
Hair long and spread out with the gentle current, green sea.
Like Klimt's water serpents.
Tonight I floated in the pool, warm from the afternoon's scorching madness,
Eyes fixated on the moon and its buddy star.
There is something so soothing about keeping my ears under water -
All you hear is the graceful movement of water,
The ocassional clicking of a stiff joint.

We drive past the Saturday night crowds sitting by the road, pull into a parking lot and I walk to the Citibank ATM. Someone had dropped their withdrawal receipt and I step over it. We walk back to the club and I leave my vintage brown snakeskin clutch with a girlfriend. We continue combing the crowds, like how we sometimes do the once-over when our Friday date with Velvet gets dull. Suddenly the moon splits into 5, as if it'd been put through a mandoline. Giant balls of flames fall from the sky, the skyline turns an eerie orange, like a row of Balinese torches lighting up a garden path. People are running into an obsolete public swimming pool, but all the gates there are locked. I tell her I need to go back to get my bag. She says screw the bag. We run past panicky clusters of bikini-clad girls and burning buildings. We get into an old red pick-up truck, and drive to a sorry-looking budget hotel. We watch the apocalypse unfold from the window upstairs, beat, but in some perversed kind of awe. The silvery moons are aligned across the titian-red sky, and the sun, an imposing red sphere of glowing anger, takes centre-stage. The morning comes and I walk back to get my bag. I don't remember where I'd left it, but I make my way through the desolate streets and back to the ATM. The receipt is still there. I turn around instinctively, and look into the drain at the street corner. 'She knew I'd come back for it.'
***
The analysis:
buildings - should the buildings be dilapidated and in ruins then this will show that you (will) have business or love problems with the likelihood of loss very high

automobile - vehicles that you ride in usually reflect two things; the direction you are heading in life, and your body. (the thing you travel or "ride" through life in)

armageddon - to dream about armageddon is usually a deep-rooted fear that your world is about to change dramatically. By "your world" I am referring to everything around you, your job, your family etc. in prophetic dreams armageddon predicts a dramatic change in one's life, possibly the death of someone close or in some cases, of the dreamer himself (but this is extremely rare)

moon - if the moon is peculiar or weird then you will meet with many disappointments and a cheating spouse

silver - silver represents justice and purity. It is symbolic of some protective energy

red - red is an indication of raw energy, force, vigor, intense passion, aggression, power, courage and passion. The color red has deep emotional and spiritual connotations. Red is also the color of danger, shame, sexual impulses and urges. Perhaps you need to stop and think about your actions

sun - To see the sun in your dream, symbolizes peace of mind, enlightenment, tranquility, fortune, goodwill, and insight. It also represents radiant energy. It is a good omen to have the sun shining in your dream

gate - to see a closed gate in your dream, signifies your inability to overcome current difficulties. If you are unable to open the gate, then it indicates that your hard work will be seen as unsatisfactory. It may also mean that you are not ready or not prepared to move on to the next step