These days the anger is waning. I still get sad when I talk about it, but I'm much more at peace now. I just wish I could erase it. Like Joel & Clementine did. To delete a chapter in my life and live like it never happened.
I've almost forgotten how his face looks. I see it in other people - on vimeo, at clubs, in myself. It's amazing how something that was once so familiar can become so foreign. So much love, dissolved into nothing. Nothing but a strangely familiar yet removed, surreal association. Flashbacks of homemade cocktail silliness, anger contained in a studio apartment, bright sunny days by the beach. Flashes of light, of graininess, of absolute love.
I've stopped wanting to hide. I've almost outgrown my hat obsession and ipod loneliness. Although I'm still struggling a little with staying in bed under seasoned white cotton sheets with Sigur Ros.
So yes. I still miss him. Holding his face between my palms, counting the moles, sitting across each other with our feet on the other's chair.
But it will pass. I know.
It sure as hell doesn't make it any easier. Blind faith, I once heard someone say.
Posted by e at April 18, 2009 11:48 PM